You’d think that by being focused with REBOOT and IF, and exercising, that my mind would’ve cottoned on to the fact that weight loss would result (a ‘slim’ possibility … Sorry, couldn’t resist!). Hmmm, not so much for me. Chatting to my bestest bestie the other day (after my ‘HOLY CRAP! I FIT INTO SIZE 32 JEANS!!!!’ moment) and she asked me if I had bought the jeans. Which is when it struck me because actually, no – I tried them on, I danced around in the fitting room, but then I put them back on the shelf. I needed them because all my other jeans, trousers etc are saggy and loose; so what’s the deal?? It’s like I said to her – my mind hasn’t quite gotten round to the fact that this has actually happened; is happening!
For almost 8 years now, two pregnancies within that period, I’ve not bought anything in a size ‘small’ and certainly not a ’34’ nor a ’32’. I don’t even look at them. I head for the middle to back of the rack and that’s where I remained. It wasn’t always easy to shop for clothing – I used to be a size 28/30, and at my height, it’s a wonder I never got blown away in the wind. My now father-in-law used to say that I need to put weights in my pockets! So I did struggle because I used to be able to wear anything. I had to learn a new style of dressing – longer tops, different cuts, bootleg vs skinny jeans, nothing that was remotely fitted around the tummy area (ever!)… I didn’t have a clue about what to wear and how to dress for my body type as I grew in size. Maternity wear at Topshop and H&M was a godsend when I was pregnant because everything was geared for the bump. Plus without too much variety it was easier for my fashion unconscious brain to put a few pieces together; however, after pregnancy, carrying all the excess weight, adding even more weight on top of that, it was a minefield. I landed up being a tunic & leggings kinda gal, and I got stuck in that rut for way too long.
I wasn’t obese, but I was overweight. My only saving grace was that being tall, I was able to get away with a few extra kilos… But when the few turned into more, there was no hiding it. I really hated shopping for clothes. I couldn’t stand going on a night out because all that entailed was sticking on some glittery earrings to tszuj it up a bit; frumpy nontheless! I withdrew from my own life and kept the layers of lard on in comfort, and protection. My mind had gotten so used to seeing me that way, that I was safe if I stayed like that. I got used to it. I adapted to being heavier than I ever was. It took years to get to that size, and it’s taken time to get it off, albeit the most recent drop seemingly happened quickly but it was actually a slow process.
Still, my brain hasn’t quite caught up. I think I’m scared to accept it. I’m terrified in fact; and I’m not sure how to dress again !! Which is crazy because I’m back to a size that I was very familiar with for many years. I think I’m hesitant to buy anything because that negative frump voice is saying that I’ll just put it all back on again so there’s no point. That’s the voice that usually leads to ‘it’s only one cupcake’ … So it’s scary because this is all still so new. Just as it takes time and effort to lose the weight, I guess I need time and some effort to lose the frump voice too. When body and brain finally collide, look out !! 😉
It appears I’m not the only one either. According to clinical psychologist, Ed Abrahamson, Ph.D., ‘body image may be the very last aspect to change throughout such a transformation’ (read more here about the Five Things No One Tells You About Losing Weight).
Well, I’m not crazy after all. Time it will take; and patient I must be. I am however going to take that first step and go out today to buy me that size 32 pair of jeans. Wish me luck!!