After taking a few months off, the time had come to get back to it and refocus once more. Another REBOOT, another 30 day strict Paleo nutrition challenge seemed like just the thing to bring me back to me.
Life. A four letter word with so many different meanings and connotations that are not just different for different people, but change daily within one person alone. I thought I had it all together, all figured out – well, not all figured out but I really thought that with ‘finding my passion’ and creating something that I loved that I was finally on track and all was well. The momentum gained within a short space of time carried me through the motions and I rode that wave and enjoyed every minute. Physically, I was thriving – I was healthier than I’d ever been, fitter than I’d been in a while, and my body looked the way I wanted it to. Emotionally, I was clear. If you’ve been depressed, you know the fog that surrounds you and clouds everything around and within you, and that’s why I say I felt clear. I hadn’t felt quite so free in years and the phrase ‘lightness of being’ (not likeness :-)) started making a lot of sense. Now doesn’t that sound like a good place to be in? Pretty dreamy, right?
Until one Saturday morning when my world turned upside down. I was up early, as usual, but more so because I had a delivery to make. I had just started selling my chilli atchar and had made an arrangement to deliver it early before my park run on a Saturday morning. I was elated because the thrill of creating something that people like and that they then come back for more… it’s heady. So practically skipping (yes, like a little girl with pigtails!) I got into the car and off I went. It had been raining so was wet out with a bit of a chill in the air but beautiful nonetheless. Refreshing and clean I’d say. I made the delivery and headed back home because I still had time before I had to head out again. I got home, still excitable and decided to check my facebook quickly, as you do, as I sat on the couch, cup of coffee in hand. And then I saw a message from my brother…
Now to understand the significance you should have a bit of the backstory. With a fair amount of years between us and many circumstances in-between, my brother and I lost touch for a while. So to see a message from him could only spell trouble. I remember walking into the room where my husband was and telling him about the message. His only words to me were, ‘Call him now.’ I hesitated. I procrastinated. And eventually, I plucked up the courage. After a few rings, knowing that somehow my life would never be the same again once that call was answered, I heard it in his voice before he even uttered the words: ‘Dad passed away.’
And just like that the world stopped spinning but forget to stop me with it. I reeled. I fell onto my bed, heaving. There was no air and I was suffocating. But being the older one, I knew I had to be the strong one. I called on every ounce of strength I’d ever gained in my life to be able to speak and get through that call. I’d been here before, a few years prior. I knew what this moment was like. It was the same when my grandfather passed … but yet it was so very different. This time it was my dad. The day flew by in a whirl of booking flights, packing, keeping the kids calm and just getting there. The flight was awful. Sitting amongst all these people in a confined space and yet never feeling so alone. But I’d done this before. I would do it again. But man, it was the same… yet so very different. And that was just the beginning. There was so much more to come – going to his house, the funeral, saying those final goodbyes even though it was already too late to say goodbye. The anger, the guilt, the frustration, the hurt, the pain, the never-ending flood of tears that just seemed to renew themselves continuously… It hurt. Boy did it hurt. And it broke me into pieces. A million pieces torn apart yet held together with a fragile thread. I had to look out for my kids. I had to be strong and brave and walk each day with my head up. Somehow. I didn’t know how, but it was the only choice I had. And look? I’m still here.
So why am I bringing all this up now? It’s been 9 months already, or only, depends on how you look at it. It feels like yesterday but sometimes more like 9 years ago. I don’t know when this new ‘normal’ will actually start feeling normal but the reason I speak of this now is because I am ready to. Ready to not feel so lost anymore, ready to live and to find that part of me that can be excited and renewed and full of power. I lost that power for some time. I floated around. Trying out all sorts to find my way again but to not avail. I knew that I was not ok because I’ve been down and I know that road so well. I was not going to let myself keep going down that path. When I starting having those thoughts of binging and purging, the thoughts of ‘you’re not good enough’, and ‘well this or that happened because you ate xyz…’ I knew I had to put the brakes on that train-wreck waiting to happen. So emotionally vulnerable yet with a strength and determination from years of ‘keeping on’, onward I went and up I got. And then it led me to here. Again 🙂
REBOOT had changed my life – and in so many AMAZING ways! I knew that if I could get my mind to focus on the 30 days, that I could not just get my body back into gear, but most importantly, I could get my head right again. Funny that – I always say ‘get your head in the game and your body will follow’ and this time, I was actually going to do it again, from scratch, but with a head that had the right tools but needed a bit of a push. This is why I decided to get back to REBOOT. To fix my head. And this is why I say to people on the REBOOT page – it’s so much more than just weight loss. It’s so much BIGGER than just a few extra kilograms here and there. The benefits to your mind, body and spirit are the reason I came back to it. It does help that within 2 weeks I’ve lost the excess 3.5kg but hey! That’s all part of the charm 🙂
So there you have it – a cathartic post for me, and some insight for you. Thanks for reading and I do hope that within these words you can recognise a part of yourself that is aching to be freed, to live, to thrive at life. One thing I know for certain is that we are all battling some demon or other. I do hope that by revealing my vulnerability that you find some strength to push forward. My wish for you is that no matter how dark this day may be, that you see that there are cracks of light trying to creep through and YOU CAN DO IT.
See you over on the REBOOT page for more inspiration, motivation… and FOOD!!! Here’s to Version 8 … Day 2! ❤
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